Category Archives: I Wanna Have Fun

Miscarriage: The Pain and Grief of Losing a Precious Baby

It was the same day today last year when our hearts were stricken with grief and painful loss.

I can only count in my fingers the number of people who have grieved with us and shared our pains when we lost our first baby in April 2014.

I have been meaning to write about this when my heart is ready. I aim of giving comfort and emotional support to the parents who have had or is undergoing the same plight like we’ve had. If you have never walked our shoes, you will never get to understand what it was like. Those who have had successful, smooth and uneventful pregnancies cannot understand either. They don’t understand being scared to sneeze, pee, walk down the block without being terrified.

If you are reading this and you’ve also went through a miscarriage, let me tell you that you’re such a strong woman! Please allow me to reassure you that it was not about something you did or didn’t do that caused the loss. It’s nature’s way of getting rid of something that’s never really meant for us.

You are not alone. I know from the minute you learned of your pregnancy, you have imagined yourself of becoming a mother to a beautiful baby but it’s never gonna happen in the 9-month time as it was earlier anticipated because of miscarriage. But if it is of any consolation at all, at least you are now aware that you are capable of getting pregnant. In God’s time, when you and your body is ready, infanticipating will just be around the corner once again.

I have heard of some people who may have sounded to “know-it-all”; saying you-should-have-done-this-you-should-have-done-that loads of bull; but believe me, you never deserve such kind of “guilt-tripping” from anyone and making you feel that you are such a failure. Some women were even subjected to listening to the inquisitor’s advice and suggestions as to what they should be doing to move things along.

Looking back, two Doctors confirmed on my 9th-week sonogram that our baby stopped growing and it was not a viable pregnancy. They explained that when something goes wrong in pregnancy, it is bound to happen and your body’s gonna detect it sooner or later and it will eventually find its way to getting rid of it, thus the miscarriage. Miscarriage in early pregnancy is quite common- 1 out of 5 women- yet we don’t hear much about it because not too many talk about it. It may be from privacy issues or women fearing judgments.

Perfectly understandable.

My first pregnancy was not easy and my HCG levels showed as early as 7 weeks that I may miscarry.

HCG levels dropping down

HCG levels dropping down

Imagine our favorite Doctor bluntly saying that right to our faces! It’s like the entire world was on us! It was devastating! But we never lost hope. We prayed for a miracle and never gave up. Countless tests were done and each time HCG levels came back and results showed it’s dropping, I could only break down and cry.

For my case, I’ve chosen my body to do it’s own course. It was a personal choice that I thought best for my well being. No need for a D&C even when I was given a D&C referral by my Doctor. The wait was incredibly longer- almost one long agonizing month but it was the best choice I have ever made. At least, I wouldn’t have to go under the knife.

I would have never wanted to go back and recount the painful ordeal of losing our precious angel. But for the sake of giving comfort and emotional support to those who are in the same plight right now, I can only look back with so much strength and courage. It was not an easy path to take but under distress, it proved our strength and faith as a couple.

I am aware that not too many people are willing to talk about the grieving and the loss. We ourselves preferred to grieve in silence. But in the midst of our pains and struggles, I vowed that I am gonna lift the spirits up of those who have lost their precious angels once I have bounced back and when my heart is completely ready. I realized that the more open and transparent I remained, the more I find true friends who truly supported me in my ordeal and who reassured me that I have their backs no matter what. I am now at a place where I chose to share some of my life’s struggles, downfalls, pains, joys, and blessings without feeling shame and fear of judgments because I have learned that our lives should be a living testimony and it is always for God’s greater glory.

From my mother with love

From my mother with love

A friend at work

A friend at work

She has been a reliable friend

She has been a reliable friend

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SMS from my Manager at work.

SMS from my Manager at work.

During the darkest moments, I gained strength from God and my husband who had always been there all the way; some friends who were willing to share the pains with me; and people who were unknown to me but offered encouragement and support by virtue of their articles online. In similar fashion, I would like to pay it forward. In one way or the other, they have helped me have my confidence back in myself through their powerful and encouraging articles.

Two months after the painful and unimaginable loss, we were over the moon when I fell pregnant for the second time in a span of one year after a heartbreaking miscarriage. It is quite hard to calm our nerves down after such a heart-wrenching ordeal.

a friend trying to calm my nerves down

A friend trying to calm my nerves down

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My husband and I hoped and prayed unceasingly that once we reach the 16th or even beyond the 20th week mark, we can relax just the slightest little bit. In the strangest most non-sensical way, I was highly anxious and scared to the core that if I let my guard down for the tiniest piece of a moment, everything will come crashing down on me again and I’ll find myself miscarrying again.

Losing an unborn baby changed me as a person; I am not the same person I was before we lost a baby. I will never be that same person again.

But everything manifests at the right place, the right time, and the right way. We just have to keep putting one foot infront of the other and God will always respond to our spoken and unspoken prayers just like He did with ours.

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The Excitement Over the Easter Long Holiday Break

We so looked forward for this. It is the longest weekend break of the year and we felt excited that we can get some beautiful family bonding. We initially hadn’t planned anything until I vividly recalled that my Prince promised me a road trip once we get ownership of a reliable car.

All set for the long ride! Long Easter break officially began on a Good Friday!

All set for the long ride! Long Easter break officially began on a Good Friday!

It did ring a bell so I immediately asked him “nicely” if we could go to the Grand Pacific Drive, a well known two-day road trip around New South Wales. He must have felt harassed about me “nagging” him going somewhere for the long weekend. LOL! I just felt the itch to go places and not be too wrapped up in my own misery. Unfortunately, some friends dissuaded us to do the trip at this time because the roads are too congested; there’s just too many people on the road heading just about everywhere. So Ok, fine! Lainy, you better behave! Ha! Ha! Ha! 😉

But then again, I can not let this opportunity pass without doing something memorable for us as a family. This is the only time in our hands where we can plan out something special. Until my Prince finally “gave in” and suggested for us to go to Jenolan Caves instead of a two-day road trip.

Jenolan Caves, off we go!

Jenolan Caves, off we go!


I was thrilled to my bones! I have never been to any caves in my life except going to the Bat Colony at Monfort Cave, Samal Island in Davao City. There was no way we could ever go inside the Bat Cave obviously for fear of being eaten alive by the colony of bats. Ha! Ha! Ha!

I did the booking a few days before Good Friday. We were told that it’s pretty busy right up there in the mountains at the caves with lots of tourists coming around for the long weekend. Well, at least we have been forewarned.

The Official Receipt and the cave tour itinerary tickets

The Official Receipt and the cave tour itinerary tickets

More tickets which are valid until 2015

Tickets which are valid until 2015

This was truly one fun and enjoyable day for my family here in Sydney. We’ve had an entirely lovely day! I love that we were able to create this once in a lifetime memory that will surely be forever etched in our hearts.

One more round of selfie after the Imperial Cave tour

One more round of selfie after the Imperial Cave tour

I shall comprehensively publish separately our long trip to Jenolan Caves at my travel blog over at My Wanderlust once I get settled in and had a good rest after the long and winding trip to the mountains 🙂

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Fun Time With Twerlyn

When Twerlyn arrived here in GenSan last week, we already agreed we will meet at Theresa’s Fashion, her official couture. But I wasn’t able to make it coz of my dysmenorrhea. I wasn’t feeling good that day. She told me I might as well come with them at Gumasa Resort for the prenuptial shooting, but again, I wasn’t able to make it coz I have to bake cakes before we travel to my mother’s hometown on the 31st. In short, we weren’t able to meet before New Year.

I thought I will never get the chance to see her before she leaves again for Cebu on January 5, but she was able to craft a plan for us to bond at Water Gran Resort on January 3. She instructed me to bring our own swim wears, and you bet, in two-piece huh!

I have my own inhibitions and it’s my first time to wear two-piece at day time. Besides, I don’t have a body like hers to flaunt, hehe. She had to coerce me to take off my shorts for us to have some keepsakes wearing such piece of clothing. It felt good after a while. It’s like I don’t want to put on my shorts and shirt again, haha! I had the best time of my life “walking” (don’t know how to swim) in the pool and never even thought about the near-death experience I’ve had in the past. The pool was great coz it’s cool, clear and clean.

I sure had a great time with Twerlyn, Andy, and Bienne. We’ve talked about some details for their upcoming wedding. I can’t wait for the day seeing her beaming while she walks down the aisle. It must be the happiest moment in her life! Being with Andy and Twerlyn for a few hours, I can see in their eyes the love they have for each other and without doubt, they have a whole lifetime ahead of them.

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COMELEC Personnel Party At The Beach

COMELEC-Gensan Personnel had a beach party on December 13, 2007. Going to the beach, we were stranded because of car trouble. My head began to ache coz of the tremendous heat. One Election Officer came to our rescue. We rode in his car and took off to our destination, Water Gran Resort.

We enjoyed the sight in that resort. But I haven’t enjoyed it much coz I had a terrible headache. I just let the time pass by taking pictures coz I don’t want to break a promise with my Prince that I will try to take some. I didn’t stayed long coz need to attend the 4:30PM worship service. Don’t want to miss it. But i wasn’t able to catch the 4:30 service so I attended the 6:45Pm service.

Here are some of our pics:



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Beach Escapade With Family & Relatives





Sunday is a family day. What a great day to spend it with them! Today is no ordinary day. We celebrated my Tita’s birthday at the beach. We had fun! Many little angels… I might just as well let the pictures do the talking for now, hehehe. I can’t get my thoughts organized. Hopefully tomorrow i can….

Till then!

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