It was the same day today last year when our hearts were stricken with grief and painful loss.
I can only count in my fingers the number of people who have grieved with us and shared our pains when we lost our first baby in April 2014.
I have been meaning to write about this when my heart is ready. I aim of giving comfort and emotional support to the parents who have had or is undergoing the same plight like we’ve had. If you have never walked our shoes, you will never get to understand what it was like. Those who have had successful, smooth and uneventful pregnancies cannot understand either. They don’t understand being scared to sneeze, pee, walk down the block without being terrified.
If you are reading this and you’ve also went through a miscarriage, let me tell you that you’re such a strong woman! Please allow me to reassure you that it was not about something you did or didn’t do that caused the loss. It’s nature’s way of getting rid of something that’s never really meant for us.
You are not alone. I know from the minute you learned of your pregnancy, you have imagined yourself of becoming a mother to a beautiful baby but it’s never gonna happen in the 9-month time as it was earlier anticipated because of miscarriage. But if it is of any consolation at all, at least you are now aware that you are capable of getting pregnant. In God’s time, when you and your body is ready, infanticipating will just be around the corner once again.
I have heard of some people who may have sounded to “know-it-all”; saying you-should-have-done-this-you-should-have-done-that loads of bull; but believe me, you never deserve such kind of “guilt-tripping” from anyone and making you feel that you are such a failure. Some women were even subjected to listening to the inquisitor’s advice and suggestions as to what they should be doing to move things along.
Looking back, two Doctors confirmed on my 9th-week sonogram that our baby stopped growing and it was not a viable pregnancy. They explained that when something goes wrong in pregnancy, it is bound to happen and your body’s gonna detect it sooner or later and it will eventually find its way to getting rid of it, thus the miscarriage. Miscarriage in early pregnancy is quite common- 1 out of 5 women- yet we don’t hear much about it because not too many talk about it. It may be from privacy issues or women fearing judgments.
My first pregnancy was not easy and my HCG levels showed as early as 7 weeks that I may miscarry.
Imagine our favorite Doctor bluntly saying that right to our faces! It’s like the entire world was on us! It was devastating! But we never lost hope. We prayed for a miracle and never gave up. Countless tests were done and each time HCG levels came back and results showed it’s dropping, I could only break down and cry.
For my case, I’ve chosen my body to do it’s own course. It was a personal choice that I thought best for my well being. No need for a D&C even when I was given a D&C referral by my Doctor. The wait was incredibly longer- almost one long agonizing month but it was the best choice I have ever made. At least, I wouldn’t have to go under the knife.
I would have never wanted to go back and recount the painful ordeal of losing our precious angel. But for the sake of giving comfort and emotional support to those who are in the same plight right now, I can only look back with so much strength and courage. It was not an easy path to take but under distress, it proved our strength and faith as a couple.
I am aware that not too many people are willing to talk about the grieving and the loss. We ourselves preferred to grieve in silence. But in the midst of our pains and struggles, I vowed that I am gonna lift the spirits up of those who have lost their precious angels once I have bounced back and when my heart is completely ready. I realized that the more open and transparent I remained, the more I find true friends who truly supported me in my ordeal and who reassured me that I have their backs no matter what. I am now at a place where I chose to share some of my life’s struggles, downfalls, pains, joys, and blessings without feeling shame and fear of judgments because I have learned that our lives should be a living testimony and it is always for God’s greater glory.
During the darkest moments, I gained strength from God and my husband who had always been there all the way; some friends who were willing to share the pains with me; and people who were unknown to me but offered encouragement and support by virtue of their articles online. In similar fashion, I would like to pay it forward. In one way or the other, they have helped me have my confidence back in myself through their powerful and encouraging articles.
Two months after the painful and unimaginable loss, we were over the moon when I fell pregnant for the second time in a span of one year after a heartbreaking miscarriage. It is quite hard to calm our nerves down after such a heart-wrenching ordeal.
My husband and I hoped and prayed unceasingly that once we reach the 16th or even beyond the 20th week mark, we can relax just the slightest little bit. In the strangest most non-sensical way, I was highly anxious and scared to the core that if I let my guard down for the tiniest piece of a moment, everything will come crashing down on me again and I’ll find myself miscarrying again.
Losing an unborn baby changed me as a person; I am not the same person I was before we lost a baby. I will never be that same person again.
But everything manifests at the right place, the right time, and the right way. We just have to keep putting one foot infront of the other and God will always respond to our spoken and unspoken prayers just like He did with ours.
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